X Commandments in txt

Although I don’t do text, here’s a an email FWD from a parishioner at St Joseph Church, Houston, that some of you may enjoy. (All others: pls 4giv.)

What if God had text messaged the 10 Commandments? It might look like this:

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok – ur m&d; r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, YHWH.

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This is STILL Not the Funniest Blog

Things won are done, joy’s soul lies in the doing.
— William Shakespeare

Once again this blog is nominated in the annual Eastern Christian New Media Blog Awards in the funniest category.

This year, I’m up against The Onion Dome (which I didn’t even know was a blog! 🙂

For a limited time, vote here.

Over the past couple years I’ve directed most of the funny stuff (hopefully, that is) to the Orthodixie Podcast.

But, FWIW, Some of my favorite posts, re-posts, and teasers are listed below.

Pictures and captions from Camp St Raphael, 2008.

Camp St Raphael audio highlights (including the song “DOWAMA Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Clergy!“)

The video posting of the holiest dish in the South brought lots of emails.

Then there’s always marital stuff.

Here’s an olympic swimming event you may have missed — check it out!

Purty funny stuff, dat: Expect a Miracle

Orthodoxy, Christianity – Just Harder.

Jesus is My Friend

The “Virgin Mary” on a grape.

Putting the Fun in Dysfunction Since AD 33

Lots of Comments on a Serious Post.

Someone just told me that this — The Frost is on the Pumpkin — was one of their favorites.

Much Ado About Despota — a teaser for a podcast about bishops.

Speaking of bishops … A visit to the endodontist and a vision of JONAH Paffhausen.

Cat lovers (even haters) will appreciate this.

The complete 2008 Podcast Review.

Ah, yes … Meletios Metaxikis Makes a Maalox Moment.

What’s that you say, Jesus Was A Jay Dub?

Then there was that whole flap about about Orthodox “Priestesses”.

The one that I’m surprised didn’t — may, still, yet — get me fired.

It’s true … I did not sleep with that [Canaanite] woman.

Podcast script from My Cup of Joe Runneth Over.

Written interview with Dr Barsanuphius Indadark.

Have you ever had to visit the Orthodox Urgent Care Hospital?

Proof that this is not the funniest blog: This old letter about leaving the Church that brought many comments and email.

The passing of a very humorous gentleman. God don’t make ’em like this no mo. Memory Eternal!

No one understood my cryptic message which came out on the heels of the February 24th statement, just prior to Lent, of the Holy Synod of Antioch. Hint, hint.

I just love this picture.

Speaking of that Antiochian stuff, here’s a teaser for a podcast speaking of that Antiochian stuff.

PK Pics from Pascha plus a Pal.

This one was rejected by a few and enjoyed by many. Do. Not. Go. Here.

(Wait. I told you not to go there! For heaven’s sake, don’t go here either.)

Here’s a teaser for a podcast that got a “face-lift” — worth a (re)listen thanks to DJ Ron “Doh!” Smith.

Tok pravda .. tis true … it may even be you!

God for a day (sorta, at least a few minutes) — this one even received honorable mention on Fr David Smith’s podcast, Harmony of Thunder.

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Gossip Girl (and Boy) Prayer


This is a prayer I found on the Net and have “orthodoxized” (for what it’s worth, for personal use).

O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God,
How Divinely pure are Thy thoughts!
Thy Words only reflect wonders,
Parables worthy of searching minds.
I earnestly strive to follow after Thee.
Help me, O Lord, to respect others,
That I may never gossip against anyone.
Guide me in the righteous path of life,
Where sensational gossip does not exist.
If by Thy will, my intervention is required,
Guide me to extinguish the attacks of others,
O Thou, Who art the glorious light of truth!
For to Thee are due all glory, honor, and worship
together with Thy Father and the Holy Spirit, now
and ever and unto the ages of ages.

Amen.

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Just an Old Fashioned Love Song

This week’s episode of the Orthodixie Podcast is about that big event of summer. But, for the Old Marrieds, here’s a little chuckle someone sent me a while back:

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!

You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are

we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them.

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you

what it feels like when I’m driving.”

* * *

Love is in the air … goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna … take out the papers and the trash … you may kiss the … love stinks! The missing parts, and the glue that holds it all together, this week on …

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

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Ixnay on XB! (With a Shout!)

In the wee hours of Pascha, we Orthodox begin a joyful dialogue where when someone says “Christ is Risen!” the reply is “Indeed, He is Risen!” Or, “Truly, He is Risen!”

In those early hours of Pascha, some folks have grown a little rusty on their Orthodox lingo.

Imagine: “Christ is Risen!”

“Glorify Him!” (The Christmas response.)

Or … “Christ is Risen!”

And the inevitable reply: “Happy Easter!”

Then there’s the fun we have for 40 days in the shortened written form. Emails and letters end with just the letters XB, CA, or CR (Christos Voskrese, Christos Anesti, Christ is Risen) – and the reply comes back BB, AA, or TR (Voistinu Voskrese, Alithos Anesti, Truly Risen) …

Those who are like me, that is, a Rule Follower, are very strict about when you are allowed to say the Christ is Risen dialogue. It is my sinfulness, sure – but when I arrive to church before the Pascha service begins and someone says “Christ is Risen!” I’m tempted to say: “Not yet, He’s not!”

Then there are those who come to Holy Saturday morning Liturgy and say “Christ is Risen” when they kiss the Cross (because they won’t be there early tomorrow morning) … and I sin by thinking “Don’t say that! There’s another 13 hours to go yet!”

Silly.

We say it, “Christ is Risen – Indeed, He is Risen” at the end of our services, our family prayers, answering the telephone, and concluding the blessing over food.

I say it when I kiss my kids good night …

And it’s them, the young children, that seem most disappointed when we no longer continue the Christ is Risen dialogue. “Why can’t we say it anymore?”

Well, that’s a good question. Why CAN’T we say it any more?

The answer: THE ASCENSION.

Now isn’t that horrible? We have a great feast like the Ascension of Christ to come along and, 1) it’s always on a Thursday, and 2) it concludes the biggest celebration of all, Pascha.

It’s like taking down the Christmas tree before the needles are even brown.

Oops! It’s the Ascension. Honeymoon’s over … everybody out of the pool!

Christ is Risen?
Not any more He ain’t.

Did you know there is an Ascension Dialogue? Yep. But, one of the problems is, there’s no one universal response …

Christ is Ascended!

He is Ascended in Glory!

Christ is Ascended!

From earth to heaven!

Christ is Ascended!

With a Shout!

Try that on your friends this week. Just go into the office and say “Oh, hi, Marge – Christ is Ascended!

Maybe in the supermarket: “May I see your ID, please?”

“Sure, and Christ is Ascended!

“Sir, do you know how fast you were going? May I see your license and registration?”

“Officer, first of all, let me just say: Christ is Ascended!

None of that works, of course. It probably works just as poorly with Christ is Risen – or Christ is Born – to those not expecting it.

Face it, even the Orthodox are not so hip on the Ascension dialogue.

The world goes on with the mundane business of being the world, rarely being interrupted by Christians … and, even in the Church, we set our minds toward schools being dismissed, vacation plans, etc.

The Ascension … an awesome … but forgettable event.

Forty days after the celebration of Christ’s Resurrection, PASCHA, we celebrate the Great Feast of the Ascension of our Lord into heaven.

Jesus had spoken with His disciples on the Mount of Olives, concerning the coming of the Holy Spirit and, as they were looking on, He was lifted up, and a cloud took Him out of their sight. And while they were gazing into heaven as He went, behold, two men stood by them in white robes, and said, “Men of Galilee, why do you stand looking into heaven? This Jesus, Who was taken up from you into heaven, will come in the same way as you saw Him go into heaven.”

The Lord ascended to Heaven not to sadden us with His departure, but to fulfill His ministry among us.

It is to your advantage that I go away, He had told His disciples. [For] if I do not go away, the Comforter will not come to you (John 16:7). I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Comforter, to be with you for ever, even the Spirit of truth…. The Comforter, the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name. He will teach you all things (John 14:16, 26).

The Lord knew the trials and tribulations that would be endured by His disciples — mockings, scourgings, imprisonment, even death. And thus the Lord ascended to His Heavenly Father that the Spirit might descend from the Father as the Comforter, and fortify His Friends.

One of our Lord’s friends was St Seraphim of Sarov, who lived 200 years ago. St Seraphim repeatedly broke with Pascha dialogue protocol. It is said that immediately upon seeing visitors – especially children, whom he loved – He’d make a prostration and greet them with a kiss, saying: “Christ is Risen! My Joy!”

To everyone he would say, no matter what time of the year it was, “Christ is Risen!” He called everyone, “my joy”.

This reminded them of the saving power of Christ’s Resurrection. Each left full of peace and joy and the desire to lead a life pleasing to God.

St. Seraphim helped people in many ways. When the people thanked him for what he had done, he told them: “Do not thank me; I am only the servant of Jesus Christ.”

Troparion of the Feast (Tone 4)
O Christ God, Thou hast ascended in Glory, granting joy to Thy disciples by the promise of the Holy Spirit. Through the blessing they were assured that Thou art the son of God, the Redeemer of the world!

Kontakion of the Feast (Tone 6)
When Thou didst fulfill the dispensation for our sake, and unite earth to heaven: Thou didst ascend in glory, O Christ our God, not being parted from those who love Thee, but remaining with them and crying: I am with you and no one will be against you!

St Seraphim of Sarov said that the purpose of the Christian life is the acquisition of the Holy Spirit.

And it is here that we find ourselves at this moment in time within the Church Year.

Christ is Risen!

Christ is Ascended!

And, brothers and sisters in Christ, while He yet prepares a place for us for our eternal joy, we remember the descent of the Comforter, the promise, the strength, the joy … of PENTECOST!

All the power, all the fruit of His divine Ascension, therefore, belong to us, for when He ascended on High, He led captivity captive, and gave gifts to men (Eph. 4:8).

This is why the Church, during Vespers of the Ascension, repeatedly proclaims: “Clap your hands, all you nations, for Christ is ascended up to the place where He was before!”

And, seeing as how I’ve broken the rules over two dozen times in this blog post, one last time before the piety police come to take me away:

CHRIST IS RISEN!

TRULY, HE IS RISEN!

He has ascended to sit at the right hand of the Father.

Come, Holy Spirit, Come!

This piece originally aired as an Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

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For more on THE ASCENSION — go here.

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