Pastfast, ME – Plans are currently underway for this year’s Lenten Superlative Awards Banquet at St Kismet in Gethsemane Falls. Last year’s gala saw a total of 13 awards being presented to the best and worst participants in the Great Fast.
“I think it’s a wonderful way to show our appreciation to those who have led the way,” said long-time member and infrequent faster, Billy Gullible. “Before coming to St Kismet’s, no one recognized my spiritual feats, perfect service attendance, swift prostrations, and longest prayer rope. Now, thanks to these awards, I have something to strive for!”
Sandy Cornfed was disappointed in last year’s Most Likely to Succeed recognition: “Early on, at the pre-Lenten Cheesefare dinner, I was voted most likely to succeed. Alas, I did horribly. I ate three cheesecakes that night … only to continue eating all through the Fast. I thought by ‘most likely to succeed’ they were speaking of my fasting! I was horrified to learn that many were actually betting on my gluttony. I mean, what kind of success is that?”
Tom Brittle, who looks like he has never eaten more than twice in his life, is currently the Ferocious Faster front runner. “Ain’t nuthin’ to it,” T-Bone says “… it’s all in the wrist.”
“Yup. If you abstain from using your wrist for the entire fast, no doubt about it: You tend to eat less.” (Suffice it to say no one’s seen Tom mowing his yard either.)
Betty Offded went home last year with the Humility Award. One would think that a memorable occasion. But, explains Betty, she was stripped of the award soon after: “All I did was place the award in a prominent place, on a lighted shelf, in my den … and the priest cried foul during my recent house blessing … and I lost the award.”
Ben Thurdonethat was actually arrested soon after his Alms Giving Award. The case is still pending, but sources say that the beggar that Ben kept giving money to was actually working for Mr Thurdonethat; therefore it does not count as alms giving and is actually an illegal form of tax evasion. However, Ben was commended for actually giving his award away.
Deacon Methuselah, last year’s winner of the Most Graceful Prostrating in a Long Black Robe award, has finally reached the age where he is being honoured with the coveted This Side of the Grave (Life Time Achievement) award which entitles the recipient to no longer do anything strenuous other than show up for services. “It’s taken a long, long time for me to attain this state,” said the 104 year old deacon.
Not everyone is up to speed on the competition, however …
Ernie Slack asked: “What’s a ‘prostration’ and can we eat ’em on fasting days?”
To which, Aida Walrus (always a little slow) asked: “What’s this about a fast?”
Stan Merr won last year’s Longest Lenten Confession award, but some cried foul: “Th-th-they thi-thi-thi-think that jj-j-jju-just because I stu stu stud d d d der … I c-can’t mu make a g-gu-ggood confes confes confession.”
The following will also be awarded:
Happiest Looking Faster Award
Tastes Too Good To Be Tofu Award
I Read the Rudder Religiously Award
Not to mention the most coveted —
Zero (Zilch, Nada, None) Peanut Butter Award
This year’s newest category – Favorite Fasting Song – saw some stiff competition between “Just stiffen that back if you’re a male, females get a grip” (from an old Orthodixie Podcast) … and a last minute entry called “If You Knew Sushi, Like I know Sushi”
And yet, in the end, everyone agreed that the show stopper, the top topper, the Celeb de plume! was – is – none other than —
Bwwwp Bwwwwp ! Bwwwp!
Ladies and Gentlemen, hang on a sec … that’s a NoBrainer Alert …
Hold on … here it comes …
(whisper) The God-Man.
That’s right. Though it sounds trite and sacrilegious, it amazingly occurred to everyone, at about the same time that the Fast was not about Food or Feats by Fasters Far and Wide …
Rather, it was all about God and His love and mercy.
Cause, you see, the Light of Christ – the light of the resurrection that shines from the empty tomb – does not just shine forward into the new season of PASCHA …
The light of the Resurrection, this great Feast of Feasts, PASCHA, even shines BACKWARD … redeeming our poor and imperfect efforts during the Great Fast.
God, the Holy Spirit, is willing and able to take even our unworthy efforts – failures, even – and fashion them to His glory …
You can’t tell me things don’t look different on this side of the Feast!
And, no … it’s not the part about eating meat …
Honestly, come on now, though those first few bites of feasting food were heavenly … that sensation soon wanes … (believe me, it won’t be long before you’ll be missing the Fast – really!) but the glory of the Feast is the Light of Christ that shines back into our memories … in through our struggles … and washes away the gunk …
Yes, that is the glory of the Feast … the glory of Christ … the joy of the Season.
Redeemed by the Light of Christ which shines forth from an empty tomb.