But In The Parish Hall, He Be All Like …

gossipsm1Look. Let’s just be real. It’s easy to be a Christian in church for 2 hours a Sunday – right? Oh sure, some places Liturgy is only an hour and a half – others longer – who knows, you may show up late … Less time being “Christian” is even easier, n’cest pas? And gossip … well, that’s not so easy in the church (but it can be done). Gossip is best served up in the Hall, after the service.

But everyone can agree:  It’s pretty easy to be good in church.

Take for instance Molly. Molly is a relatively new convert to Orthodox Christianity; she’s a student, struggling to make her way in the world. She loves the Liturgy.

But, in the Parish Hall, She be all like

Then there’s Hank – or, as he’s known to his Orthodox friends, Polyeuctos. He can’t seem to hold a job, but he does tie prayer ropes to sell in the church bookstore. His own prayer rope is big enough to fit around his waist …

During the Liturgy, Hank doesn’t move – head inclined toward his heart, eyes shut, prayer rope slowly slipping through the fingers of his left hand. The hair, the beard, the black pants and shirt. He’s got the look.

But in the Parish Hall, Hank be all like

Then there’s the priest! In the Church, of course, he be all like:

PEACE BE TO ALL!

Then Father So-n-So walks into the Parish Hall, and he be all like:

Listen …

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio!

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Santa – Hard to Ignore When You’re Related

11296140275_5b5af7d1f8_hOne way to handle the secularization or, depending on your source, (re)paganization of the Christmas holiday is to become a reactionary. This may not be the best option, but it is a valid one. Everyone’s tempted by something. Being a reactionary has never brought me many favors, but we’re pals nonetheless.

Back in 1997 our daughter came home from day care and informed us that her class wasn’t doing just one Christmas that year. Rather, they were going to be celebrating many holidays. Upon further inquiry we found that her class, she was 3 at the time, was going to be studying Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa — though there were no practitioners of either of the latter faith traditions in her day care class. We reacted by pulling her out of day care. [The good news is she was home schooled from that point until 4th grade.]

When she was coming of “Santa age,” we decided that, though it was the practice of our families, we weren’t going to do the Santa thing. Besides, back then we were in the Russian Church Abroad, therefore on the “old calendar,” and it didn’t make much since. To complicate matters further, our parish was named St Nicholas and we already had a “visit” with presents from our patron each year on his Feast, December 6/19.

The year prior, when my son was 4, we were doing last minute shopping in the mall on December 23rd. As we rested by a fountain, he saw the Mall Santa at a distance and said, “Dad, can I go talk to him?” “Basil, I thought you didn’t believe in Santa,” I replied. He said, “Dad, I don’t. I just wanna go talk to him.” I told him to look at how long the line was and reminded him that we didn’t have much time and were just sitting there waiting on mom and the girls. When the said party arrived, I’d no sooner exchanged news with them — a mere moment, mind you — when someone asked, “Where’s Basil?” Immediately my eyes shot toward the great line of people and, sure enough, there near the back of the 50 people or so was a little four year old boy. So, we let him. I went and waited with him. “No,” I told them, “we don’t want a picture.” He eventually got to sit on the old man’s lap. That’s about the time their camera/computer equipment broke. As they worked to repair it — for about 20 minutes — Basil sat right there and talked to Santa. No harm done, everyone went home satisfied, except maybe the old man.

The following year, on the eve of St Nicholas Feast, we were having Vespers in the church. Basil was serving in the altar and he asked if I thought St Nicholas had visited St John’s [fellowship hall] Building yet. Having replied that I did not know, and though freezing rain and sleet was falling, he asked if he could go check. I’ll never forget the sight of my 5 year old son eagerly and expectantly running up the stairs through inclement weather to peer into a building to see if a Saint had yet visited with presents.

A week later we found ourselves traveling to visit my father on, as we said as kids, “Christmas Eve eve,” December 23rd. Our dinner was interrupted by the headlights of a car’s arrival. “Who’s that?” I asked. My dad said, “I don’t know. Basil, go to the door.” I was a little uncomfortable with my son being sent to answer a strange door … when in walked the best looking Santa I had ever seen. I swear to you for a moment I was a kid again. A grown man had a “Miracle on 34th Street” moment. I almost wept. This Santa knew all about my kids. He knew their names — all our names — and family trivia. He had wonderful answers to their questions about Rudolph and the other reindeer. His white hair & beard, costume, red cheeks, twinkling eyes … all came together to make me feel like a cad for ever doubting. When finally he approached me he said, “Howdy cuz” with a wink and a smile. Danged if I wasn’t just plain confused from that point on.

Later, after Santa’s exit, my dad explained to me that the man was indeed a cousin of mine who played Santa during the season.

Sometimes, when it comes to family, you just can’t win for winning.

Edited from the original, published 2004.

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Houston, We Have a Bathroom Problem?

twisted-sister-1By now, no doubt, most have heard about the Houston Bathroom Kerfuffle.

I rarely mention the loo in sermons << and I held a serious pause after even writing that!

But I suspect that bathrooms have been mentioned quite a bit of late in the pulpits of ol’ H-Town.

The problem is much bigger than the John, though.  It may even predate the need to “move” altogether.

Here’s the blurb and link to yesterday’s sermon:

Houston made the news recently—a story involving local legislation, “gender confusion,” and restrooms. Fr Joseph, who ironically often wears a “dress” to the Men’s Room, rants about . . . something else?

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio!

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An Orange Book in Orange County

FireFromAshescoverwebsite__69772.1409569758.1280.1280I was blessed to be with the fine folks of St Luke Orthodox Church, Garden Grove, California for a retreat — Fire From Ashes — last Saturday.

The trip also served as a daddy-daughter date with my 12 year old.  Think 12 hours:  Disneyland 😛

Other than the Antiochian Archdiocese Convention — Palm Desert, 2009 — it was my first time back in Southern California in 30 years.

I lived in Pasadena one summer, back in 1982, and in Buena Park during the fall and winter, 1983-84.

This podcast speaks to those occasions as well as serving as a lead in to the Introduction of the book, Fire From Ashes – The Reality of Perpetual Conversion.

A little humor, a lot of serious (or vice versa).

Glory to God for all things!

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio!

 

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Kronstadt Not: Fr Danislav’s Hoaxters House of Industry

FakeHomelessToronto0001So I’m sitting in my office at church, glancing – every now and then – out of my window, awaiting the faithful to show for Adult Class on a Tuesday morning.

There’s a homeless guy.

He’s staggering up the drive toward the church.

He’s drinking a tall can of beer.

It’s 9:40 AM.

I observe him … one big gulp … 2nd gulp … 3 sip’s a charm … AARGH! Breakfast of champions.

He then crushes the can and flings it into the church yard.

Then, forgive me this, right in the church driveway – 20 yards from the street — he begins to fiddle with his pants zipper.

That was enough!

I, dressed in cassock and cross, went flying out the door … and headed down the hill toward my tempter …

Listen to it all on …

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio!

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