Orthodixie

Having posted a Top Ten list on Orthodox Fundamentalists, here’s the flip side. Note, that’s Funda minimal ist.

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Fundaminimalist:

10) During the three day Ss Peter & Paul Fast (New Calendar), you did without meat (only).

9) Sunday’s Divine Liturgy lasts longer than the Nightly News but is shorter than “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”.

8) When it comes to Confession, you believe: “All may, some should, none must.”

7) You think Antidoron is for the birds (literally), not to mention the non-Orthodox.

6) You’ve seen your priest vested with cuffs around bare wrists because he’s wearing a short sleeved shirt underneath his rasson.

5) You ask questions like, “What’s a cassock?” And, “Why is she wearing one?”

4) Your bishop eats meat. On Friday. During fasting periods.

3) You’ve seen your priest swimming. In a crowded pool. In Speedos.

2) Your priest wears a Rolex. At the Altar. Over the cuffs.

And, the number one indication that you might be a fundaminimalist:

1) Your priest’s wife goes by the title, “Reader ______ .”

Originally posted, years ago, on the Orthodox List.

Children, please! Do your homework before you write your report!

After centuries of moving apart, the churches formally split in 1054 over several issues, including the primacy of the pope, devotional differences, and Latin demands for priestly celibacy, while the Greek-influenced tradition permitted married clergy. Relations remain tense over Orthodox charges of proselytism and rival property claims in places such as Russia and eastern Europe.

You might find other errors H E R E.

Q: Have you heard the latest UU miracle?

A: Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a
tortilla.

Q: Why can’t Unitarian Universalists sing very well in
choirs?

A: Because they’re always reading ahead to see if they
agree with the next verse.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian
Universalist with a Jehovah’s Witness?

A: Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no
apparent reason.

Thanks to FWD from Tim Gibson.

From Touchstone’s Mere Comments:

Civil War historian Shelby Foote died Monday night at the age of 88. Foote is known not only for his historical work, but for his friendships. A Mississippian, Foote knew William Faulkner and Flannery O’Connor as a young man, but was most closely associated all his life with his best friend, Walker Percy.

He loved his native South while standing firm against Jim Crow and the race-baiting populists of the twentieth century. In what had to be the most withering blow a Ku Klux Klansman could ever hear, Foote accused the white supremacist group of “degrading the Confederate flag” by converting it “from a symbol of honor into a banner of shame,” having “covered it with obscenities like a roadhouse men’s room wall.”

More …

10) Your parish church school curriculum consists of: The Rudder.

9) You’ve not shaved in years, but are spending your child’s inheritance on hair conditioner.

8) Your church services are longer than the Super Bowl, but shorter than “Roots.”

7) You save toenail clippings in hopes of … well … you know … glorification.

6) Your daughter can play with Barbies as long as they’re wrapped in DuckTape, clothed in black, and referred to as “Barbara the Ballyhoo” (in Slavonic).

5) Your priest wears a cassock all the time. (Mainly because even the “Big & Tall” clothes no longer fit him.)

4) Birkenstock is the only proper name — not ending in “us,” “os,” or “es”– not subject to suspicion.

3) Your favorite theologian’s name is: “Reader __________.”

2) You believe hair brushes, combs, tweezers, and mirrors are for sissies.

And, the number one sign that you might be an “Orthodox Fundamentalist” is …

1) There are no chairs in your home; you haven’t sat in years!

Originally posted, years ago, on the Orthodox List.