Orthodixie

Father Artemius graduated with a degree in philology from Moscow State University, which is named after the great Russian scholar and educator Mikhail Vasiliyevich Lomonosov …

An excerpt from Faith & Humor:

Whenever the priest opens his mouth, silky soft grasses spread around the ground, sweet-smelling flowers bow their heads, young leaves dripping with sap cling to their branches in silent admiration, birds in heaven fold their wings and fall silent, daring not to go on with their wonderfully sweet songs, wild beasts, thick of fur and long of tail, freeze midstride and sniff the air, pricking their ears in awestruck surprise, and creatures of the sea lay motionless, moving their tails ever so slightly as they emit tiny bubbles. Humans record the priest’s sermons on tape and video cassette recorders and print his books in the thousands. But some bewildered and rubbed their temples, trying to grasp his meaning.

“It’s very simple,” an admiring member of his congregation said. “Our reverend father is under a lot of pressure and he is very busy. He has forgotten plain Russian words and is using only old Russian ones, because at the university he used to get straight As, both in Old Russian and Church Slavonic. It would be better if we had a translator for him. For instance, when our reverend father says: ‘Be it known to Thee that Thou hast to shake from the soles of Thine shoes the dust of atheism even as Thou sheddest pride and dangerous self-regard,’ he simply means that we must give up our sinful ways. See how simple it is? Nothing to puzzle over.”

pp.121-122

To those who wanted to have an abortion, the abbot would say …

An excerpt from Faith & Humor:

“You should give birth to the baby and then leave it in a carriage out in the cold, as if it were an accident. It will scream for a bit and then freeze to death, and all will be well. It’s a lesser sin than abortion.”

“Why is it a lesser sin?”

“Try it, you’ll see.”

But no one tried.

(p.105)

Olga Petrovna, a great admirer of Father Metrophanes, once approached him and said, smiling shyly, “Father, you are …”

An excerpt from Faith & Humor:

She stumbled momentarily, searching for words.

“… You are like Saint Seraphim of Sarov.”

The priest shook his head from side to side and stared intently at Olga Petrovna.

“Wait a moment and I’ll explain why you think this,” he said and went behind the altar.

He didn’t come back for a long time. Olga Petrovna even became a bit nervous and wondered what the priest could be doing behind the altar. She wondered whether he was back there praying for divine inspiration and tried to guess what he might say to her. Would he explain to her, perhaps, in what way he was like Saint Seraphim?

Finally, the priest came back and said, “It’s because you’re an idiot.”

pp.103-104

There once was a priest who had a special gift from God …

An excerpt from Faith & Humor:

Whereas elsewhere the right nave was still being fixed, the roof was already on its second year of being patched, and they were using a temporary curtain instead of a good one for the Royal Doors, our priest’s church already boasted silver domes with golden stars painted on them, and an iconostasis with sacred sixteen century icons. He even managed to have a new nave excavated and consecrated, the kind you build underground for special occasions.

While other priests were just beginning to wage a battle with their municipality in order to get a house for their deacons, our priest already had four such houses built. One he gave to his deacons, the other was used to conduct religious classes, the third had been converted to an orphanage and the fourth became a hospice for old women. Every house had antique furniture, eighteenth-century armchairs, marble floors and crystal chandeliers. He felt that while people admired the fruits of human labor, they might also think of the beauty of the Lord’s world and, sooner or later, they might even give some thought to the Creator as well.

Once he figured out what to use those houses for, our priest bought three shops, all of them of a religious nature, of course. One sold vestments, the other church literature and the third soy products, to be used during greater and lesser fasts. Once he sorted out his stores, the priest bought a stable, so that he could offer sleigh rides to visitors during church holidays, to make sure they didn’t get bored and didn’t start bickering with one another. The stable came with an amusement park. In a short order, he had a miniature Disneyland built, with Russian Orthodox saints instead of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

Once he finished the Disneyland, he began building a Russian Orthodox pool, so that he could take a dip after conducting an exhausting service during Lent, or else after a horseback ride or a visit to the amusement park. When the pool was finished, he had a sauna built next to it, as well. And, given that he now had a sauna, he felt he needed a Russian Orthodox sports center. And a sports center naturally required gym equipment. With exercise equipment in place, there was a need for a Russian Orthodox hotel, complete with a conference center. That was because there was now no end of visitors from abroad, eager to learn from the priest how to run an Orthodox parish pastorally. Having had a hotel built, he really needed a Russian Orthodox airport. Once the airport was completed, and a few dozen charter flights were shuttling about, connecting it with 26 countries around the world, naturally there was a need for a small Russian Orthodox airplane of his own, as well as a modest helicopter, of course, to be able to inspect his properties and give rides to visitors.

However, if truth be told, some visitors got air sick. To accommodate those in the spirit of altruism, the priest had a small canal built, connecting the Moscow River, with special pilgrimage cruises run by a special Russian Orthodox river fleet. But traveling by water turned out to be too slow. There was nothing to be done but to build a Russian Orthodox railroad. The railroad had to be guarded against bandits and other undesirable, and so the need arose for a special Russian Orthodox Armed Forces, complete with their own gonfalons, banners, a choir, and other requisite props.

The priest eventually realized that now it was time for him to become the Russian Orthodox President. He thought it over but decided against it. If he were to become President, he would no longer have time to conduct services. After all, he was still a cleric, in the rite of Melchizedak. And so he remained a priest, having decided against becoming President (pp. 41-43).

There was once a priest who hated all people …

An excerpt from Faith & Humor:

He didn’t get to be that way all at once. At first he loved everyone. Then he stopped loving people and began to feel disdain for them. He who has lived and reasoned, will in his heart hold humans in disdain, to quote Pushkin. He hated them because there were so many people, more and more each year. First, those overheated faceless crowds kept breathing. Second, they pushed and shoved and tried to get ahead, clinking empty jars they had brought with them to fill with holy water, and they stuck palm leaves into his face to make sure he sprinkled holy water over them properly. Third, they asked stupid questions and at confessions bored him with tales of husbands and mothers-in-law and demanded advice which they never acted upon, anyway. Fourth, they believed in the evil eye. Fifth, they brought their loudly screaming grandchildren to take communion, on the advice of some old hag doing sorcery on the side. At high holidays, the priest even tried to lead services with his eyes closed. He feared that if he opened them, his hatred would turn them all to ash. Nevertheless, he was a good man and in the company of his friends and family he was actually sweet and kind. He was a little irritable, that’s all. But an excellent man for all that. In Sunday School, he made kites for the kids (pp. 59-60).