TWO Flew Under the Christmas Tree!

As traveling and holiday mail begins to complicate matters, NOW is the time to buy those last minute books and have them delivered just in time for gift giving! Order either or both titles from PayPal in the side margin and they will be signed, sealed & delivered ASAP. For quantity discounts, visit Regina Orthodox Press.
And — THANKS!

One Flew Over the Onion Dome …

The Convert experience is full of surprises, not only for the pilgrims involved but for those who attempt to pastor and teach them. One Flew Over the Onion Dome tackles these challenges with up-front honesty, good humor, and steadfast faith.

— Frederica Mathewes-Green

Fr Joseph Huneycutt’s book is reminiscent of John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress, in that it details the pitfalls, traps and snares that so easily entrap those who set out to travel the narrow Way. Likewise, he points out the underlying spiritual maladies of the soul and how to avoid the various pitfalls. Many may be able to point out the problems one encounters, even giving them a name. But to identify a problem, i.e., a spiritual malady, is not the same thing as being able to cure it. Overcoming the problem is a different matter entirely. Thanks be to God he offers helpful pastoral counsel to those who must guide others in this difficult path.”

+ MARK, Bishop of Toledo and the Diocese of the Midwest

“We have found the Pearl of Great Price,” could be a subtitle to this gem, One Flew Over the Onion Dome. It is a precious collection of heart-beats reflecting the various facets of the same pilgrimage that St Paul made when called by Christ on the road to Damascus: scrutiny and doubt from Cradles, heart-wrenching rejection by family and friends, periodic re-consideration while zealously bearing fruit in the Lord, delight in the “coming home,” humble acknowledgment of the gift received. “My story is not much different from the host of other stories of Americans converting to Eastern Orthodox Christianity,” confesses Fr Joseph Huneycutt. Although each story has a thread common to the others, each one is singular because it is the life-searching quest of a unique soul longing for “in the present age the knowledge of the truth and in the future age, everlasting life.

This is a must read for Cradles who might need to re-appreciate the Truth, for Seekers who have found the way but must patiently walk it while waiting for that blessed life which is to come and especially for hierarchs under whose omophorions the Good Shepherd has led these sheep for pastoring and who will be called to account for their eternal well-being.”

+ NATHANIEL, Archbishop of Detroit

Defeating Sin …

This attractive exposition of current, yet timeless, anthropological issues is distinguished by its clarity of vision and originality of expression. As the book unfolds, it becomes increasingly evident that the unbroken Tradition of the Church is the sole key to understanding God’s revelation to man. Because the author has so firmly placed his trust in the holiness of this Tradition, his thinking, both creative and inspired, elucidates the charismatic character of the way of salvation which leads to the renewal of life. His doctrine is sound, and it will surely prove to be of great value in informing and convincing the heart of modern man about God’s truth.

— Archimandrite Zacharias (Zacharou) of the Patriarchal Stavropegic Monastery of St John the Baptist in Essex, England

Father Joseph has the unusual ability to take timeless truth, Biblical knowledge, and theology, and communicate them in a practical, and readily understandable form that has the wonderful potential of helping us to be transformed through the renewing of our minds.

— Ron Moore
International Singer/Songwriter/Speaker

This book has evolved over several decades of reflection that is both personal and part of our Orthodox family inheritance. This is a read that will bring many back through its pages just as memories of powerful retreats and epiphanies return to us and become once again moments of grace in an hour of need. DEFEATING SIN: Overcoming our Passions and Changing Forever is a book that will be marked up and well-worn by those who own it and no doubt shared with other Christians who long for a well of renewal and a blessed retreat.

— The Very Rev. Dr. Chad Hatfield – Chancellor, St. Vladimir’s Orthodox Seminary

Passions and virtues – words not generally used in everyday vocabulary in the 21st century. Yet, who of us has not seen lives ruined or exalted as a direct result of one or the other of these words and their implications. This book provides meaningful and practical insight into the significant “opposites” that affect our lives both here and hereafter. Fr. Joseph takes us to that fateful garden where the first Adam, the first Eve and the first tree set a course for death and destruction. But he also takes us to a hill where the second Adam, the second Eve and a very different tree changes that course for eternity. Read this, go to confession, and then read it again.

John Maddex, General Manager, Ancient Faith Radio

May you, reader, be blessed and enlightened and encouraged in your struggle by the wisdom contained in this book, to the glory of the All-Holy Trinity and the salvation of your soul.

+ BASIL, Bishop of the Diocese of Wichita & Mid-America

Order signed copies of DEFEATING SIN and/or One Flew Over the Onion Dome through PayPal in the side margin (at left) or — unsigned, multiple copies — through the publisher at Regina Orthodox Press.

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BREAKING NEWS: UUs to Join Episcopals

Whodathunk, Missouri – In a move that some are hailing as “Well, Duh,” seventeen (16) congregations of Unitarian Universalists have signed an agreement of intent to join in full Eucharistic Communion with the Episcopals.

“Why not tie the knot?” said Jeff Jefferson of Jeffords Ford. “We’ve been watching the Episcopals for some time now. Oh sure, they’ve been getting some bad press — but it’s all good by us! One says heresy, another says hooray!”

Shannon Ford of West Jefferson chimed in: “I think this is great. My great grandfather was an Episcopal. But that was back in the day when they were known as Episcopalians and believed in many things contrary to Unitarian doctrine — like Doctrine. As Unitarians, we believe in the freedom of religious expression. All individuals are encouraged to develop their own personal theology, and to present openly their religious opinions without fear of censure or reprisal. We’ve come to conclude that the Episcopals believe the same.”

Wilma Tisdale (nee Jefferson) was one of the signers of the Accord. She said the convergence was harmonic, hastening to add: “We believe in the authority of reason and conscience. The ultimate arbiter in religion is not a church, or a document, or an official, but the personal choice and decision of the individual.”

One of the qualities that the Unitarians bring to the table is “stability,” said the Rev’d Alford Longfellow, pastor of St Gilded Lily by the Silver Lake. As a priest of 30 years in ECUSA, he’s grown weary of all the changes within his denomination. He quoted Benjamin Franklin, saying: “As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, the best … but I apprehend it has received various corrupting changes, and I have … some doubts as to his divinity, tho’ it is a question I do not dogmatize upon.” Alford added, “It has taken generations and not a little sweat and toil, but we have all arrived at the same place.”

While many claim that this move was brought about by those formerly known as Episcopalians and their jettisoning the traditional beliefs of the Christian faith, others see this union as a labor of love that has come of age. “We believe in the motive force of love” said Jeff Jefferson. “The governing principle in human relationships is the principle of love, which always seeks the welfare of others and never seeks to hurt or destroy.”

However, not everyone is impressed. Cathy Olix of East Oxford called the new union a disgrace, saying: “I never thought I’d see the day! There once was a time when a Unitarian was a Unitarian (whatever that was) and an Episcopalian was an Episcopalian (whatever that was). Now it seems that what was is — and that just ain’t right. They’re even calling us Episcopals — whatever that is!”

When asked about the next step in the process toward union, everyone was in mutual agreement: “There is no next step.” As if to seal the deal, the Accord cites the Reverend Samuel J. May in a paper written in the 19th century: “Because we have no formula of faith; no system of doctrines; no list of articles prescribed by pope, bishops, General Assembly, or other human authority, which every one must profess to believe before he can be admitted to membership in our church, — there are those who allege that we Unitarians have no faith; that we believe nothing, or that each one believes what he pleases.”

And this, everyone agrees, is exactly what the Episcopals believe.

(This satirical post is not intended to diss the beliefs of Unitarian Universalists — which, it seems, have remained consistent. In that regard, they are more traditional than, well, the “Episcopals.”)

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Baby Jesus by the Chimney

Did you read about that Baby Jesus that was recently stolen from someone’s yard? Oh, I’m sure more than one Baby Jesus has been stolen this year – perhaps even in your town!

Well, I decided to do something about it … I became an Investigator.

The other day I went door-to-door in my neighborhood in search … of Baby Jesus.

My first stop was the home of Minerva Simmons, aged 73, on Tomball Drive. She’s the owner of the giant Crèche scene … You know with the big plastic light-up Mary & Joseph, Wise Men, Manger, and the optional Star on a Pole …

And as I pulled into her driveway it was crystal clear that something – Someone – was missing … the Manger was empty. It was just a cradle for hay. Yep, Baby Jesus, MFM (missing from manger).

(In the place where the plastic body normally lay was a sign that read: “Have you seen me?” – with a picture of Baby Jesus … well, you know what I mean …)

Friends, I’ll spare you further details but, Mrs Simmons was devastated. This plastic Baby Jesus had been in their family since the 1970s when her kids were young. It meant the world to her.

Silly me, I don’t know why — but I asked her if it had been made in China. She said, “No, Malaysia.” Malaysia is, of course, predominantly Muslim – and I briefly contemplated them naming a plastic baby JESUS as opposed to a stuffed Teddy bear named … oh, never mind.

But that wasn’t the strangest part of my day! After getting a good description of the Missing Plastic Jesus, I moseyed on over to …

The Orthodixie Podcast on Ancient Faith Radio.

Image Source

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The Messiah Formerly Known as Jesus

Dispatches from the Intersection of Christianity and Pop Culture
Tom Breen, author
Fr Joseph Huneycutt, only the reviewer

It’s high time that someone finally wrote this book, but it should have been me. I’m a bit put off that there was not a more sufficient waiting period. Scout’s honour, I’m writing just as fast as I can. Please, in the future dear publishers, be patient. In this changing world of electronic gizmos (e.g., transistor radios, electric football, night-lights, and hot air popcorn), it’s difficult to stay ahead of the curve. Now comes word that there’s such a thing as an “Internet Theologian.” Who knew? Or, to use the hip e-parlance of the day: It. Should. Have. Been. Who? That’s right. Me. (For those of you above the age of 50, try diagramming the above phrase. Weird, huh?)

Well if you’re just now grasping weird, you’ll find no better primer than this little book – especially if you like things a bit on the churchy side. But, be warned: If you believe laughing to be a sin, you may, at this very moment, be on the threshold of grave danger. Do not. I repeat. Do not read this book. Unless, of course, you’re some sort of radical that believes sin is good for the soul.1

[NB: Scroll down for footnotes.]

As I have already mentioned – or, in case you just joined us – this book was not written by me. It was written by millions and millions of tiny words invented by Tom Breen.2 Calling himself the Internet Theologian, he writes:

First, there will be times in the course of this book when you will scratch your head and say, “I never knew that before. I’d better double-check it.” However, your fact-checking efforts will come to naught, because many of the statements I use to make points in this book are “pre-facts”: that is, they are statements that sound plausible, but for which there is yet no conclusive evidence to establish their accuracy.

What a goof. Please, bear with me as I pilfer a few more of his words:

In summary, what you hold in you hands is an impassioned attempt to explain, for the confused and bewildered, the places where religion intersects with popular culture and what this means for Christianity, America, and the future of movies marketed to audiences who don’t think there should be any swearing in war films.

Seeking here to prove my original point, I not only could have written those words – I just did!3

This work is not only cutting edge, entertaining, and life-changing, it’s also downright necessary. Religion is at the forefront of public debate in America in a way it hasn’t been since the great Civil Rights Era, when the Rev. Martin “Junior” Luther issued the famous Emancipation Proclamation from the steps of Faneuil Hall, with its immortal opening phrase: “Fourscore and seven years ago, I come not to praise Caesar, but to bury him.”

As an aside, those of you who know where or what a Faneuil is, please inform me at NoFunkyWords@hadIwrittenthebook.con.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Hey! If I’d wanted to read something really witty, something on the cutting edge combining technology, theology, chronology, and [insert favorite ology word here, like, for example, blog] I would have really gotten wiki with it and read Tom Breen’s new book, The Messiah Formerly Known as Jesus – Dispatches from the Intersection of Christianity and Pop Culture. Alas, I’m afraid to say, you would be wrong.4

As an Orthodox Christian, I was pleasantly surprised that the author used the word Orthodox (not, mind you, the more common dinky-o “orthodox”) at least seven million times in the book.5 For instance,

Orthodox Christians: Until recently, most scholars agreed that Orthodox Christians didn’t really exist. Like werewolves, fairies, and Romanians, they were simply a charming Old World fable designed to delight children with outlandish details regarding the rich, luxurious beards and interminable arguments about the proper interpretation of Greek words. Upon further reflection, some scholars now cautiously hazard the guess that there are roughly 250 million Orthodox Christians in the world, with a lineage stretching back to the earliest days of the Church. As for what these strange, chanting, hirsute folk actually believe, though, no one is yet confident enough to hazard a guess.6

Oh, don’t fret. The author makes fun of – which means explains – your particular brand of Christianity as well. What, you think I have all day? You’ll have to write your own review! Though, trust me, there’s big words to be learnt here:

Apokatastasis: This extremely long Greek word (meaning, literally, “Dukakis-like furlough program”) basically means “everyone gets off scot-free.” It’s sort of like what would happen if God were a Democrat. Origen, Gregory of Nyssa, and the awesomely-named Gregory Thaumaturge are the key early proponents of this theory. However, it fell into disfavor when Origen (or, possibly, just his backup singers, known as the Origen-ettes) suggested that even the Devil would be saved. Running into him in Heaven would be even more surprising than meeting Judas there, and marginally more of a shock than bumping into your Uncle Al.

Adult Converts to Orthodoxy are aware of the healing effects of just saying the word Apokatastasis. Oh sure, it’s a heresy all right. But only liars will say that it ain’t fun to say.7 Let me just add another footnote here.8

As I am getting fairly close to plagiarism – copyright infringement – the end of this book review, I must skip ahead through a good chunk of the Internet Theologian’s attempt at writing my book to steal the following two paragraphs:

Grown-Up Hippie Christians are important for our purposes because they have such a close and familiar relationship with popular culture. Since childhood, when TV was invented by Milton Berle, these people have thought of their lives in terms of popular culture, from the Beatles to the satisfying documentaries of the Sundance Channel.

And just as no one is better suited to explain Christianity than the Internet Theologian, no group is more skilled than the Grown-Up Hippie Christians at translating the confusing world of theology to the argot of pop culture. So why don’t they get more attention?9

Ah yes, here we are at the end of this review. But I shall not leave you hanging, dear reader. Closure is needed. First, a question: Do you have an Uncle Al? Me neither. So that part about not seeing him in heaven meant zippo to me. Now for the spoiler, since I was not allowed to write the book, though the blame is yet to jell in this regard, I shall leave you with – honest to goodness – the final paragraph of The Messiah Formerly Known as Jesus taken, I believe, from the book of Ezekiel:

“When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary not to praise Caesar, but to bury him, two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less traveled by. We hold these truths to be self-evident: I think, therefore I am. Do unto others. I can call you Betty and Betty, when you call me, you can call me Al.”10

______________________________________

1 – Obviously, this should read: “Unless you believe that laughter is good for the soul” – but you know what I meant!

2 – For the record: Ever since I was young, I have used the word million, millions of times, to refer to “a whole lot” (i.e., way more than fourteen).

3 – The Internet Theologian’s book lies beside me on the couch, but I solemnly promise that I have typed every single word you have just read into my very own keyboard. (He merely wrote them first. And you know what the Bible says about those who are first, right? But I digress.)

4 – Facetious is a fun word, though often mispaled.

5 – Fourteen is also a big number.

6 – I hazard to say, mind you, that I would never have used hazard twice in the same paragraph. And, thinking back to the fourth grade, I seem to recall that hirsute means “close friend of Scooby-Doo.”

7 – Note: The word must be said with emphasis – at the very least – fourteen times.

8 – But don’t be fooled! Heresy may lead to icky bad things like what happened to the man Santa Claus slapped: “Arius eventually died in a bizarre bathroom incident, and really, the matter should have ended there. Who’d want to be a member of the party of the guy who exploded outside an outhouse” (p.117).

9 – That was the first time I’d ever typed the word argot and it was much easier than I would have thunk.

10 – Remember that music video with Paul Simon and Chevy Chase? Me neither. But this book is way, way too funny to miss! So, since you didn’t write it, you might as well read it. Granted, there will be some who’ll claim that I stole the writing style of the author in fashioning this book review. I say, “Prove it!” I mean, how do they know I didn’t write the review first?

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The Face of Santa


Back in ’05, I received the following note from a reader:

I caught this [show on the Discovery Channel] on Christmas day. It was a very interesting history about his life and how his relics had traveled. Then using the relics they reconstructed his face using forensics.

My thoughts?

Well, it just goes to show ya, scientists should always check with the Orthodox — it might save time, effort, and money:


Icon of St Nicholas, 10-11th century, the Walters Art Museum.

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